I wrote this quote on my Facebook profile earlier this evening: “Knowing you belong to your dreams is a pretty damn good feeling.”

If you read my post from just a few weeks ago (The Never-Ending Forest), you’d be surprised at what a turnaround I’ve made in such a short period of time. As I mentioned in that post, I did restart my antidepressant medication but only used it for about a week – right ’til the point when I started to feel better. I just forgot to keep taking them each day. Once I realized my memory lapse, I recognized that I didn’t need the meds. I was out of the dark.

And I’ve stayed out.

As some of you may recall, since May 2, 2011, I’ve had a surgery approximately every three months, with my most recent being on September 10, 2012. If you’re calculating right now, I’ll do the math faster for you: that’s 7 surgeries in a year and a half (I’ve had 9 total since 2009). Given that, I think it’s understandable that I was depressed. I felt so often like I was caught in a revolving door. I used to tell my parents, husband, and friends that I felt like my body was trying to kill me and that I believed 100% that it would succeed sooner than later. Everyday I thought, “what’s next and when?” Looking back, I’m appalled at the amount of time I spent waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting is not living. It’s a slow death that affords zero comfort or clarity.

But things are different now. I don’t know how or why. All I know is that I went to bed, in much pain, the night after writing that post and woke up the next day pain-free. Now it’s hard for me to believe I even just had surgery.

Actually, honestly, it finally feels like an entire and totally awful chapter of my life came to a close and a new one has opened. While I understand that I may have to have another surgery one day, I am no longer waiting for it or expecting it. Here’s how I view things now:

If I am in an up-cycle right now, then damnit, I’m going to ride it for as long and as hard as I can. I’m not going to question what I’m feeling now – this drive, this determination, this energy. It’s like something has clicked in my head and I can’t, nor do I want to, slow down. I can’t go back to that Silence and I’m glad because the path I’m on now allows me to take back everything that IBD took away. I am living my dreams. I belong to them, I embrace them, and I see the world through them. It’s like I’m holding the sun – but this time I’m not afraid of being burned.


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9 Responses to Holding the Sun

  1. Roseane Guarani Kaiow√° says:

    I cannot agree more with Carl. You are doing a great work with people who have colostomy. You inspired me to talk about in the social media and in my blog. Many thanks. I wish all the best.

  2. kerriann clark says:

    Dear Charis-
    I, like you went through 4 surgeries in a 3 month period in 2010 and thought I was going to die. Took my anti depressants and still felt that way. It’s not the meds that help you get bettter its the thoughts you have in your head. I had to stop being the victim and become a part of the solution. Which I do and fall on my butt sometimes weekly, daily , monthly but whatever a good day for me is exactaly that a good day! Keep moving forward you are an inspiration!!!!!!!!
    loVE kERRIANN

  3. Cary Gossett says:

    Inspirationally written, beautiful metaphors, infectiously healthy attitude. Well done Charis. So happy to find that you are in a great place. My wish for you is that you stay there or, at least, find your way back there quickly from future challenges. All my best,

    Cary

  4. eM says:

    There is no other way to deal with it other than being positive. People often comment to me how strong I’ve been through my illness but what is the alternative really. Well done girl!!!!

  5. Kaitlyn says:

    I’ve felt the same way to, just waiting for the ball to drop. Reading your posts lets me know I’m not the only one and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you :)

  6. carl maunz says:

    Claris,

    Congratulations on beating back the demon of depression. You are such.an inspiration to every person with IBD or an ostomy. Good health moving forward.

  7. Charis says:

    Thank you, Chas :)

  8. Keep hanging in there Kiddo–A lot of people are pulling for you!
    Best, Copeland,
    Triple cabg, Crohn-ee minus colon.

Hi, I’m Charis!




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